The Power of Words - What We Say to Our Kids

This week, Melanie and Allison dive into the common phrases we say to our children that might be more problematic than we realize. They share personal anecdotes and discuss the impact of these phrases on their kids. From exploring different parenting styles to reflecting on their own experiences, they offer insights and tips on how to communicate more effectively with our little ones. Tune in for an engaging and heartfelt conversation that every parent can relate to!

Information provided in this episode is credited to parents.com, specifically "These Common Phrases Said to Kids Are Actually Problematic," published 8/27/2024. Written by Michelle Crouch and reviewed by Laura Anderson, PhD.

Sources:
When Parents' Praise Inflates, Children's Self-Esteem Deflates. Child Dev. 2017.

The Truth About Child Abduction Statistics in 2024. Safeatlast. 2024.

Timestamps:

00:00 Intro and Chit Chat

03:41 Parent Categories

06:11 What Type of Parent are You?

09:23 "Great Job"

13:34 "Practice Makes Perfect"

15:49 "You're OK"

19:38 "I'm on a Diet"

23:45 "We Can't Afford That"

28:30 "Don't Talk to Strangers"

32:57 "Be Careful!"

35:57 "No Dessert Unless You Finish Dinner"

41:40 "Let Me Help"

44:20 Benefits of Showing Off Your Kids' Artwork

Find Midlife Moms Pod on Apple Podcasts or wherever you find your podcasts. You can also find us Buzzsprout where we have a full listing of all our episodes, Instagram (@midlifemomspod), and Facebook. Listen, like, and subscribe! We hope you enjoy the show!

Transcript

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

It would help if I turn the microphone on.

But you can hear me doing all that weird stuff.

Yes, I was like, why can't you hear me?

Then I was going through my settings, and I thought, well, I powered off and powered back on, and then I realized it wasn't even on.

So.

That's so funny.

All right.

Okay, so welcome back to another episode of Midlife Moms Pod.

I'm Allison.

And I'm Melanie.

And this week, well, let's just, should I say, how are you, Melanie?

I'm good.

I'm tired, and I feel like I need to drink more water.

I was just noticing that I need to drink more water.

Let's just put it that way.

You probably do.

Yeah.

I know it's about 3:30 in the afternoon, and this is kind of when I start going on my downhill side during the weekday.

What, you need a nap?

Yeah, either a nap or another cup of coffee.

We used to call it snack 30 at work.

It's just the 3:30 hour's, always the time where you're like, you only have an hour and a half left to go till five.

Can you make it?

It's a weekend today, but I still feel the same way.

Yeah.

And every time I look outside, I feel like it should be cold out, but it's not.

You know how the weather just looks like that it should be cold?

Yeah, it's real cloudy out, and just is all I can describe it as.

Yeah.

But this week, we wanted to talk about things we say to kids or our kids, that just taking a look at what we convey to them.

So I got real curious because I always am telling Matthew, the same things over and over and over again.

And I was like, why isn't it resonating?

Well, that could be age for him and-

I was just missing for me.

Oh, not for you.

Oh, yeah.

Probably the age they're going through and just, I don't know, second grade is just a harder year this year than I've experienced before.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

I think it's more grown up school, I think, because they're out of that.

Well, they're definitely out of that kindergarten stage, but they're also out of that first grade.

And I noticed in second grade, they don't have as much artwork that they bring home.

I know.

I hate that.

Yeah.

I know.

Color through second grade?

Yeah.

No.

So it's just even the vocabulary that we're learning in school and just all of the different things that Matthew says to me now, that are different than just the year before.

Yeah.

He's getting older.

It's, you know, the baby stage is kind of gone.

So it's a little sad.

Yeah.

It's very sad.

Yeah.

But I came across this article and I was like, oh, well, maybe this will be interesting to talk about.

And it was about like things we say to our kids and you know what it means and how they interpret it.

And maybe how we could reflect on it and then maybe, give our own opinions about it.

Yeah.

Either maybe it's, you know, as another mom, maybe you can give some feedback to say, no, that's okay.

Right.

Well, and to not only what we say to our kids, but what kind of parents we are, because I did find an article about what type of parents categorize people in, which is like, are you the tiger mama?

Are you a free range parent?

Are you attached to the max parent?

Are you a helicopter parent?

But I feel like I could be probably one of each of these, depending on the time of what's going on in our lives.

But I feel like I definitely am helicopter parent, but I would go and take it a step further, and I'm like a Comanche parent.

I am the big sucker, not the helicopter.

I'm a Comanche.

Well, what's a Comanche?

That's just a made up thing for me.

I would say I'm a step over a helicopter parent.

I didn't know if that's what the actual name was.

Because I'm like, I don't know what these definitions are.

I've never heard of a helicopter parent.

Right.

So a tiger mama is, you're all about a little tough love.

Tiger moms, they firmly believe that their main goal is to ensure their child succeeds in the world.

You believe you're a parent and just a parent, not a friend.

And then free rage parent, of course, you have no problem letting your kids run a little wild.

Who cares if they're dirty, as long as they're happy.

It doesn't matter if they're walking to school or playing outside alone.

See, that's totally not me.

That's not me either.

That's a free range parent.

Yeah.

And it just says free range parenting.

Main goal is to raise strong, independent children.

Well, I mean, that's not me in some situations, but I don't care if Emily gets dirty, as long as she gets a shower after.

And then the attached to the max is they believe in the parent-child bond.

And that looks a little different for everybody, but it likely means you're a fan of family beds, extended breastfeeding, and basically anything that helps you build a tight-knit family, even if it means time for yourself is limited.

Nope, that's not me either.

And then of course, the helicopter parent is other peo...

And people might see it as hovering, but you don't view your style of parenting that way.

helicopter parents just want to do what's best for their baby and keep them safe.

And that generally means staying on top of everything all the time.

See, I'm all about safety, just because of things that happened in our life.

You know, like, I'm overly...

I think I would have been overly cautious anyways, and like with safety.

But because of things that have happened in our lives, then I'm like overly cautious, you know?

But I would say, I don't know.

I believe that you can be friends with your kids and have fun with your kids.

So I'm not really like a tiger mom when it comes to that.

Are those the only types of parents?

Well, these were the only ones that I found.

Like, you can actually take a quiz to see what type of parents you are.

But it says, what are the four types of parents?

But there's all kinds of different things on here, like parenting style.

You can take a quiz about that.

Anyways, there's just a ton of different things that you can look at and quiz, what type of parenting style are you?

Yeah, I guess I have no idea at this moment.

So none of the ones that you read aloud, I agree with, or I feel like I fit in.

So.

Well, and then that's the other thing.

They've got this other one that's like, they're four most common parenting styles that aren't what I read.

So this is a whole other situation.

This is authoritative, neglectful, permissive, and the one that I can never say it's authoritative.

I'll spell it.

A-U-T-H-O-R-I-T-A-R-I-A-N.

A-T-H-O-R-I-T-A-R-I-A-N?

Oh, authoritarian.

Is that how you say it?

I guess.

It just says, parents make the rules and enforce them without much regard for their children's opinion.

They can be drill sergeants.

Well, I know my husband's that way.

Permissive is parents let their children do what they want and don't implement rules or structure.

See, that's more like the free range parent.

That's not like me, okay.

Yeah, neglectful is uninvolved parenting.

This style is characterized by a lack of emotional involvement and supervision.

Parents may be indifferent to their children's needs.

Nope.

And then authoritative is the style is based on the work of the developmental psychologist Diane Balmred and Stanford researcher Eleanor McAbee, which I don't even know.

It doesn't give a list of what that is.

So.

Oh, it doesn't?

Okay.

I don't see where it says anything about what that means.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

And then it says, what are the seven C's, like cat, of parenting?

And it says parents can build resilience in their children by encouraging and creating opportunities for them to practice these concepts.

Competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control.

So, I mean, you could go down the rabbit hole of parenting styles and what.

But from what you're saying that you read was stuff about what you say to your kids that can have an impact, right?

Right.

So, this was more of in your everyday talk when you are, when you're talking to your kids about just different things.

Or today, I went and watched Matthew at his baseball game, and you cheer your kids on and talk to them before the game and then after the game.

And a lot of these things I was reading, I was like, oh my gosh, I said that today, you know, or I said that this week.

Okay.

So are you ready?

I'll kind of go down the list.

The first one was great job.

Great job.

So why do they say you shouldn't say great job to your kid?

So because I mean, that's a good thing to say, right?

Great job.

You did a great job.

I would think so.

But the article says, if you toss this out, every time your child masters a skill, it makes them dependent on your affirmation rather than their own motivation.

So they're doing it because they know you're going to say it, rather than internally motivating themselves, I guess.

It's called the self-deflation hypothesis, which theorizes that excessive phrase sets unrealistic standards and eventually lowers the child's self-esteem.

I don't agree with that.

And the only reason I say that, let me rephrase.

I agree with that in some instances, but think about different kinds of children's behavior.

Like mine, mine is so headstrong, she doesn't do anything unless she wants to do it.

So the good job is just a hey, positive, not reinforcement, but a positive thing to say that I acknowledged that she did something good or great, or that she worked hard to do it.

I think there's other children in this world that maybe would have an issue with that because they're looking for that praise from their parent, maybe if they're the uninvolved parent that we read about.

If they want that attention from their parent, that they would do it.

I can see that.

So here, when you read on further, it says, instead of providing excessive and vague positive feedback, whenever your child accomplishes something, save the kudos for when they're truly warranted and be as specific as you can.

So say something like, instead of good game or super game or good job, you could say, that was a nice assist.

I like how you looked for your teammate.

Now, girl, I'm tired.

I just want to say, good job.

Now, a couple of weeks ago at baseball, Matthew did get the winning game because he hit a home run.

And so he got the ball game for that and he caught another, I don't know if it was a pop fly or he made another good play.

Good job, Matthew.

Right.

So I said, you know, you did a great job today.

You not only caught that fly ball, but you also got that home run.

I can see where you have to be.

So you did specify.

You did specify what was going on.

Because you know what?

In the corporate life, this is also something where you getting feedback about something that you did, getting feedback too many times for something vague, you then start to think, okay, well, what is it exactly that I did good?

Right.

Because then you start to expect it.

So I can relate to this a little bit in my work life.

But I don't think kids interpret it the way the article says.

Just my opinion.

I don't think so either.

I do think each kid has their own personality and their traits of how they handle things.

So I think yes, in some aspects, maybe.

Yeah.

But for mine, she's doing it because she wants to do something, not because she's looking for praise for me.

That's just an added bonus.

And I certainly would not say, would hold back a good job if I thought it was too much.

I would never not tell him good job because I'd be like, oh, I gave out too many good jobs today.

Right.

Come on now.

Right.

You're right.

I only have 10 good jobs to give out.

I shouldn't give out all 10.

Yeah, you're right.

I feel like telling your children that they're doing good and that they're kind and all those kinds of things.

That's just positive reinforcement for them to be good humans when they grow up.

We need more of those out in the world.

We sure do.

I kind of disagree with that.

Are you ready for the next one?

Because this one, I think, is going to set your fire off.

Okay.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Hold on to my seat.

What?

We'll see.

Tell me.

Okay.

The next one is practice makes perfect.

Oh, no.

Okay.

No.

So while it's typically true that the more time your child devotes, the sharper their skills would become, the adage can also ramp up the pressure they feel to win or excel.

It sends a message that if you make mistakes, you don't train hard enough, says this PhD.

No.

See now, martial arts, they heard Emily's instructors say, practice makes permanent.

Oh.

Meaning that if you practice what you're doing, it becomes a mindset.

It's not that you have to be perfect.

It just becomes permanent.

It's a permanent way of thing.

Like you do your homework after school.

That's a permanent, you know, that gets you.

It's a mindset.

It's not that you're having to be a perfect person.

Right.

I like it.

Permanent.

Yeah.

I like that much better than practice makes perfect, because nobody's perfect.

Right.

Exactly.

And that's a high expectation to put on a little person.

Yeah.

A little second grader to say practice makes perfect.

I may have said this before, so I might be guilty of that.

Well, you can always change it to what they say.

Right.

The practice makes permanent, because it's kind of like with his baseball.

If he's practicing, he's not ever going to be perfect.

No.

But it will make him a permanent situation of how he throws the ball.

And if he practices it, how you're supposed to do it correctly, then it'll become permanent.

Right.

Instead, encourage your child to work hard, because they'll improve and feel proud of their progress.

Yep.

Focus on incremental milestones instead of perfection.

Okay, so it didn't really set you off that much.

It didn't, but I mean...

I thought I was going to get more of a reaction.

Okay.

Oh, no.

No, go down the row.

I might get on her as we go.

I don't know.

So this one is, you're okay.

When your child scrapes their knee and bursts into tears, your instinct may be to reassure them that they're not badly hurt.

But telling them they're fine may only make them feel worse.

Your kid is crying because they are not okay, says this doctor, Dr.

Berman.

Right.

So I said this, and it's mostly to calm the child down, to let them know their head's not chopped off, or especially when they see blood.

Yep.

They tend to panic.

Yes.

They're trying to get that panic out of there, but they're not necessarily saying.

Right.

And so I just want to let them know, because I've had to do this with some of the neighborhood kids, because, let me tell you, we've had some doozies over here on the old neighborhood, where kids have fallen off their bike head first onto the pavement, or run into the mailbox on their bike.

One kid was playing tag with all of the friends, and he ran straight into a basketball hole.

Let me tell you.

Ouch.

That probably gave him an egg on his head.

Huge.

Wow.

And yeah, you say you're okay, because you don't want them to go into panic mode, because that causes a whole other situation.

I don't want them going into shock.

But you're not saying, okay, stop crying.

You're not saying that.

You're saying, you're okay, let's get it.

You're okay.

It's okay.

I agree with you.

You could say, you're okay.

I don't think anything's wrong with that.

You're not telling them to stop crying or that you're not hurt.

This one says, in that moment, you can best help your child by showing them how to understand and deal with their emotions, not discount them.

Well, if my kid is bleeding and all that, I'm not going to sit down and go, okay, now this is why you're feeling this way.

Give me a break.

Let me tell you, I don't think the kid at that point is like, oh, I need reassurance that my emotion is okay.

I'm crying because I ran into the basketball hole.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

I'm good with you're okay and let's see what's going on with it.

And if we need to, we'll rub some dirt in it and move on.

But you're not telling them not to have emotions at that point.

You're just trying to keep it under control of, hey, you've just knocked yourself almost out.

I know you just saw stars floating all around your eyeballs.

Right.

And it's okay.

You're okay.

We're right here with you.

Geez.

Okay.

I know.

I know.

I say that too.

I'm like, okay, you're okay.

Because I mean, Emily suffers from nosebleeds.

And that's what I say when she was real little.

I was like, you're okay.

Let's clean it up.

Because she's got blood coming out of her nose.

She's going to be panicked at that age.

So you try to keep up with not panicking.

Right.

Exactly.

The first thing you say, you're okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're okay.

Yeah.

Geez.

I mean, so if I'm hurting my child or the neighborhood kids, I apologize to all my friends.

Right.

Like, sorry.

We'll go to parenting counseling later, but I believe, I don't agree with that one.

I think you should be able to tell your kid they're okay, and it's not going to mess with their psyche.

Thank you, Melanie.

You're welcome.

You've given me some validation today.

Good.

I appreciate that too.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's the next one?

Are you ready for the next one?

I'm on a diet.

Oh, yeah.

No, I don't think you should discuss that with your children.

No.

If your child sees you stepping on the scale every day and hears you talking about food in relation to your body image, they may develop an unhealthy body image of their own.

Instead, you can frame food as an essential component for energy and nutrition.

Yeah.

That's what we do at our house.

Yeah.

Avoid using food as a reward and don't discuss food in relation to your body image.

You should also stop labeling foods as good or bad.

This will help your child develop a healthy relationship with food and can prevent them from developing an eating disorder.

This is a little harder for me at my house.

I have a, well, not harder.

I shouldn't say that.

Different because I have a son, but as somebody who struggles with their weight, you know, I definitely don't eat foods.

And he asks me, you know, like, well, why, why don't you want that, for instance, drumstick?

So drumstick is one of our favorite ice cream treats.

And, you know, my husband will eat three drumsticks in a row.

Right.

I cannot eat three drumsticks.

Right.

Matthew will have maybe half of one, and then he'll be done with it and he'll be like, Mommy, have the rest.

And so we talk about this kind of often because treats are a big deal in our house.

And my husband is a frequent treat eater.

He's got a sweet tooth.

He has a sweet tooth.

Matthew's definitely noticed that I don't eat as much of it as my husband does.

Right.

Yeah, they notice everything.

So I have told my son, well, daddy's body is different than mine, and my body cannot handle all of that sugar and all of that bad food.

Well, and let's just say, because we're on two different spectrums here.

Right.

I have a daughter, you have a son, you have a perfect opportunity to teach him how to be sensitive to women in that situation of whether or not they struggle with weight.

I mean, he may have a wife that has that problem.

Right.

So I mean, that's a good, of course, he's only what, eight, seven?

Eight, yeah.

Yeah, eight.

Well, he's going to be eight in a couple of weeks.

Right.

I've already got him as eight now.

As eight.

But I mean, that's a good, as he grows up and grows into a teenager or even so, a man, at least you have that, you could make that a learning experience for him.

Right.

And understand, you know, the sensitivity of how women feel.

But I don't go around saying I'm on a diet.

No.

And I never tell him not to eat something.

Of course, he runs around all day.

Well, right.

As skinny as a toothpick.

Same with them.

She's-

Yeah.

I mean, her metabolism, if I could just have one ounce of that metabolism.

Right.

It would be a good thing.

I will tell you, though, if our kids were a little bit older, I definitely think that as they get older, you have to be even more careful.

I can remember words coming out of my dad's mouth whenever I was at the refrigerator.

Oh, wow.

You know what he always says to me?

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Oh, yeah.

And that's his generation too, because that's a big saying for that.

Yep.

Yeah.

We have a huge discussion at our house for food just because of how we eat here.

Right.

We are label readers because of allergies, but it has nothing to do with body shape or image or any of that.

Right.

Yeah.

So we're very aware of food stuff, but it has nothing to do with, you know, I never said I'm on a diet because if I did, I would probably look different if I would get my head in control myself.

But I have a horrible sweet tooth too.

You get me about some popsicles and I am.

Okay.

Now this is not on food.

This is changing gears.

Are you ready for the next one?

I hope so.

I think the next two, yeah, the next two might be a little bit controversial.

Okay.

Let's do it.

So the first one is we can't afford that.

Well, no shit, we can't afford that.

It's too damn expensive in this economy we got going on.

Well, so it says-

We were just talking about that today, actually.

Were you?

Yeah, about cost of food and-

Yeah.

You mean, don't tell your kid that.

Right.

We can't afford that.

Don't tell your kid that.

It's easy to say we can't afford that when your child begs for the latest toy.

But doing so sends the message that you're not in control of your finances, which can be scary for kids.

Are you laughing?

I'm laughing because I just say to Emily, I'm like, no, that's too damn expensive.

We're not buying this.

Choose an alternative way to convey the same idea such as, we're not going to buy that because we're saving our money for more important things.

If they insist on discussing it, you have a perfect window to start a conversation about how to budget and manage money.

You can even help them learn budgeting by offering them money for chores and showing them how to manage their allowance.

Oh, yeah.

So we don't ever say we can't afford something.

Right.

I just say that's too damn expensive.

We're not buying that.

Is that going to ruin my kid?

No, but I think that's good.

Or I say this, you better get a good damn job.

If you want stuff like that, you better get a good education.

I don't say we can't afford that, but I do say either something's expensive, or if we go to Publix and I end up spending, sometimes we'll just go in for a couple of things, and the next thing I know, my bill's $80.

Yeah.

I'm like, geez.

Exactly.

And Matthew asks, can we afford that, Mommy?

And I'm like, yeah, well, we can afford that.

Just was more than I thought that it was going to be.

Well, right.

Yeah.

And I try to compare certain things for Emily too.

I think I've even used this example before, but I'm like, would you rather buy this, or would you like to save that money and use that at Universal?

Or trying to say, okay, well, it costs money to go stay in a hotel.

Right.

Let's use our money for traveling versus just buying extra toys that just sit around here.

Yeah.

Matthew has an iPad and he also, he charges it like every night or every other day.

And he went over his friend's house.

We were off school on Thursday due to Hurricane Helene.

I know.

It feels so bad for those people in North Carolina.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Oh, it's so sad.

Yeah.

Okay.

I didn't mean to get you off topic.

I was going to say, what was I saying?

Oh, so this week, we had no school on Thursday.

And Matthew went to his friend's house just down the street, and he was like, can I bring my iPad?

And I said, sure.

And he said, well, the battery is running low, so can I bring the charger too?

And I was like, sure, just make sure to bring it back.

Well, later that night, or in the afternoon, later afternoon, he came home and he had his iPad.

I said, you brought your charger back too, right?

And he's like, yep.

I confirmed with him twice.

I think I made sure twice.

Well, before we were going to bed, he's like, mommy, can I borrow your charger?

Because I left mine at Jensen's house or whoever's house.

And it was like, I thought I asked you if you brought it home.

And he was like, well, I thought I did, but I can't find it.

So we lost the charger and not only just the charger, but the cable and the box, right?

The charger, the whole thing for his iPad Mini, which is on the newer USB-C.

So it doesn't work with my old iPhone.

I can't let him use my Apple charger because it's for my MacBook Pro, which is going to kill his iPad.

So I'm like, bud, you're without a charger now because you didn't bring it home.

So long story short, I checked with the neighbors, nobody had it, nobody remembers where it is.

He can't remember where it is.

So I was like, this is a lesson learned.

You're going to live without it for a couple of days because I'm not rushing out to get it.

We went to Target this morning.

Guess how much that charger was to replace?

How much do you think?

Because I don't buy the generic stuff.

I would say 60.

Yeah, close.

Yep.

So it was $49.99 plus tax.

Yeah, that's expensive.

So he was like, oh my gosh, I didn't know it was $50.

And I was like, yeah.

So when you left your charger or you weren't responsible for it, that's like taking a $50 bill and just throwing it in the trash.

So we're starting to learn the value of money.

But yeah, I'm very sensitive to this.

We can't afford that.

Cause I don't want to put anything in his head that he's not safe or we can't afford something or.

But you can definitely say that that's expensive.

Or that's like wasting money.

You can say that anyway.

Okay.

So the next one is don't talk to strangers.

Things that you should not say to your kids.

Don't talk to strangers.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I don't say that.

You don't say that?

Okay.

Well, I do all the time.

I mean, I don't want him ending up in a white van with no windows lured in because he wanted to see the puppy.

I was going to say something about the white van too.

You can tell I'm an 80s kid.

I don't say, don't talk to strangers, but I do say, I put it around us.

Does mommy and daddy know them?

Do you know them?

Have we been to their house?

Those type of things.

But yeah, I've never really said, don't talk to strangers.

Because the other scenario is, your mommy sent me to come pick you up from school.

We've already done that scenario.

We do scenarios all the time just because that's a lot of conversation through martial arts.

They discuss all that.

But I've even discussed, hey, what happens if mommy just falls out on the floor in the house and I'm not responsive?

What do you do?

I mean, we go through those scenarios.

So she's well prepared.

You know what Matthew said to me the other day?

What?

I call 119.

I was like, you do?

Are you sure that's the number?

And he was like, no, I meant 911.

It's like, okay, let's get that in our head because 119 is not going to get me saved.

And we've even had discussion of if something happens and she has to go find help.

Oh.

Whose house does she go to first?

You know what I'm saying?

Oh my gosh, that's a good one.

Yeah.

I've got her well prepared.

Now, has she been in a panic situation where she's panicking and then has to think through those things?

No, we haven't.

But she can tell you exactly what she's supposed to do and whose house she's supposed to go to.

Yeah, that's really good.

And the other thing you should do with Matthew, just because we're on this subject, is when you drive in your neighborhood, we talked about who you know and who you don't.

Because we're like, is that a stranger?

So I'll say, do you know who lives in that house?

And she'll be like, no.

I'm like, so what is that?

And she's like, oh, that's a stranger.

I said, do you know who lives in this house?

And then she'll name the people that we know.

And I said, so I'll say to him, do you know that person?

And she's like, no.

I said, would you ever go in their house?

She's like, no, I don't know them.

I said, even if they invite you in, oh, come on in, I've got candy.

Come on in, I've got this.

I said, do you know them?

Have mommy and daddy been in that house with you?

Do you know their names?

Because people that are like that can come up with all kinds of scenarios to try to talk your kid into that.

Oh, yeah.

So we do that.

We drive down in the neighborhood and we're like, who lives there?

She'll be like, I don't know.

Mike, would you go in that house if you don't know who lives there?

Yeah.

This article says that the reason why you shouldn't say that is it's more important to teach your child about trusted adults or people they can reach out to when they are in trouble, such as a teacher, a neighbor, or a store clerk.

It's more likely that a stranger will come to their aid than actually harm them.

Stranger abductions account for 1% of missing child cases.

Only 1%.

Well, I don't want to be that 1% on the news begging for my kid back.

Right.

Exactly.

I also have told Emily, like, if she gets lost, she finds a mom, you know, a woman with a kid or...

That's great advice.

Yeah.

Or like I was listening to this one lady and her dad was in a biker gang group and she said that's who she tells her kids to go to, is a guy in leathers with a motorcycle club jacket on.

Really?

Yeah.

And I don't know if it's true, but this is what she had said.

This is what she's like, I grew up like this.

And she said they have an oath to save children.

Like if a child is lost or whatever, they will go to the end of the earth to help try to find their parent or make sure that they're safe.

I wish I knew a biker guy.

Well, my stepdad is and I need to ask him.

He wasn't really in a biker group, but he knows a lot of people in different biker gangs.

I guess they're not called gangs groups.

But yeah, I should ask.

I'll have to ask.

Your job is to find out because I want to know if that's true.

My uncle was in one, but he's no longer with us, so I can't ask him.

Can't ask him.

He's on the road in the sky.

He's on the road in the sky.

That's right.

Yeah, I always tell Emily if she's lost, find, of course, if there's not a policeman there or whatever, to find a mom, a lady with kids.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

And I don't tell her not to talk to strangers because when she goes to a restaurant, I want her to be able to be independent and order her own food.

That's another good one.

Yeah.

So I'm going to have to work on that because I definitely have room for improvement there.

OK, you ready for the next one?

Yeah.

Be careful.

Saying this while your child is balancing on the monkey bars actually makes them more likely to fall.

Your words distract them from what they're doing.

If you're feeling anxious, move close to spot them in case they take a tumble, being as still and quiet as you can.

Let them maintain their focus and still provide support if needed.

I kind of agree with that because I will tell Emily to be careful, but it'll be before she does it.

Once she gets on the playground, I'm like, okay, look, you need to make sure that you're careful.

You can get her, go through the thing of only one person on the monkey bars at once or watch out for other kids or that kind of thing.

But when she's on the playground, I make Tim watch and I just turn my head.

So you take the attitude of my cat.

If I can't see her, she doesn't see me.

That's more of what, yeah.

No, I just normally turn the other way because he's not as jumpy when it comes to that as I am.

Yeah, I mean, there's something about watching your kid fall.

I mean, I have not seen my kid fall and injure himself.

Every time I'm away for work, that seems to happen when I'm not actually there.

But I do tell him to be careful just because I want him to-

Be careful?

Well, yeah, have some.

He plays so rough.

I know.

And we were watching these funniest fail videos last night.

Have you seen those on YouTube?

No.

But they are kids that doing daredevil stunts, or they're not even doing daredevil stunts.

They're just riding on their skateboard and they fall.

They're trying to do like a flip on a trampoline.

And I told him, I was like, you see what can happen.

This is why mommy doesn't like some of the things.

But I always think when you warn them to say, be careful, it's like, oh, someone cares about me.

Maybe I should do this because I'm going to upset mommy.

I know they don't want that, but...

Well, and kids, our age kids don't think about that they can get hurt.

That's not the first thing that they think about.

Accidents happen every day.

We know that as adults.

Kids don't think like that.

So I'm always like, just make sure you're careful or be careful on that.

But I do it before she's on something.

So I don't know if that's gonna make her...

I mean, she's not on anything to fall off.

But I say that to my husband too.

What?

Be careful?

Yeah, going out for...

I don't know if he's going out and he's doing something or driving somewhere.

Be careful.

Be safe.

Yeah.

Yeah, I get that.

It might just be an instinct.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Right.

I still think you should warn your kids, though.

You should warn your kids to be careful.

It's my way of saying, I love you.

Right.

Come back.

I'm just going to say, come back.

I love you.

Come back.

Yeah.

Okay.

We've got another one.

No dessert unless you finish dinner.

Yeah, I don't agree with that.

You don't.

No, because I don't believe that children should have to finish everything on their plate.

Yeah.

I also believe that that can cause, if you make a child sit at the dining room table until their food is gone, that can cause eating disorder too.

Yeah.

I mean, I just remember my mom telling me this.

She didn't tell me this, per se.

It was when she was growing up, she was told this, and she was told, you're not going anywhere until you finish your dinner.

And they would have to sit there.

She and her four other siblings would have to sit there until they finished dinner.

And if they didn't finish dinner, they'd get it served for breakfast.

Oh, see, no, that's mental now.

See, I don't agree with that at all.

And the other thing we don't do in our house is we do not make Emily eat everything on her plate if she doesn't want to.

And the other rule is if she says she doesn't like, let's say, a vegetable or something, she has to at least try it three times before she says she won't eat it.

Now, she can try it, and then if she's like, oh, I don't like it or whatever, she doesn't have to eat what's on her plate as long as she tries it.

But I'll serve it to her again.

She still has to take a bite of it.

Right.

She has to do that three times before she says, I won't eat it anymore.

And I won't serve her food that she doesn't want to eat because that's pointless.

Well, yeah.

And why would you do that to your kid or anybody?

I don't want food served to me.

That's gross.

I cannot stand a bean.

Do not put a bean in front of me.

It makes me gag.

I'm not kidding.

Beans.

I hate them.

I hate them.

I hate the way they smell when they're cooking.

I just look.

It makes me sick.

It almost gets my gag reflex going now.

Really?

Yeah, the smell of it.

I cannot even be in the house if it's cooking.

Wow.

Any kind of beans or is it baked beans?

Any.

Oh, interesting.

Green beans aren't as bad, but other beans, I cannot stand.

So the article says that the reason you shouldn't say it is because it increases a child's perceived value of the treat and diminishes their enjoyment of the meal itself.

Food should not be offered as a reward or withheld as punishment.

Imparting this mindset on your child sets them up for unhealthy eating habits.

Well, you know what?

We are unhealthy parents here at my house.

Have a drumstick.

Because my other half uses food as a reward.

I agree with the fact that you could say to your kid, hey, we'll go get ice cream at the end of the week, if you had a good week.

I mean, why not?

It's ice cream.

It's one time.

Our kids are moving like crazy wildfire.

It's not like they're sitting in front of a video game.

Matthew has dessert every night.

Oh, wow.

And our typical is he will put food on the plate, and we'll ask that he eat enough until he feels full.

Right.

And then afterward, he can have dessert.

But sometimes he'll be like, I'm not hungry because he's snacked.

He also eats a lot of fruit.

And so when he gets home from school, he'll often eat an apple or a banana or a peach.

So that's also part of his dinner.

Right.

So that's a good thing.

Yeah.

So I'll say, okay, we'll just finish three more bites, which is not a lot.

It's just so that I don't get at eight o'clock when he's ready for bed.

That is hungry.

I am hungry.

Right.

Well, we have where, you know how, they only have a certain amount of time to eat now at lunch.

It's full, you know?

So it's like she sits down and inhales her food.

So I'm always like, slow down, chew your food because it takes 20 minutes for your brain to tell your stomach it's full.

Right.

So I'm like, you've got to chew your food up.

And they don't do that now because they only have so much time to eat.

It's awful.

Makes me crazy.

She used to eat so slow and I loved it.

And now it's like, I'm like, you've got to slow down.

So maybe I'm probably doing a disservice to her because I'm like, you've got to chew your food.

She inhales it.

Well, she does have to chew her food.

Right.

I know.

But it's like, she's like, I have to eat fast at school.

I'm like, are you at school?

But no, I don't make her finish her plate, which most of the time she does.

Right.

But I do know some parents that they make food and they got to eat whatever's on the plate, whether you like it or not.

And we don't really have a problem of Matthew not liking any of the foods that we cook.

Oh, well, that's good.

We are lucky that way.

He's always been a good eater.

So is Emily.

We'll try.

You know, he doesn't like, he doesn't like jelly.

He told me today.

Interesting.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

He would rather just have a peanut butter sandwich.

No, Emily will not eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

She will not.

She will eat peanut butter and honey.

Oh, he won't even eat that.

He just wants the peanut butter.

Oh, that's funny.

Really?

You're the only kid I know who doesn't like peanut butter and jelly.

Yeah, Emily won't eat that.

She used to eat jelly toast in the morning.

But she hasn't asked for jelly toast in a long time.

And the other thing is she'll eat peanut butter and honey toast, but she doesn't toast the bread.

It's just bread.

Oh, but she calls it toast?

Yes.

I like it when you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the morning, and then you put it in a plastic baggie, and then you take it out at lunchtime, and the honey has sopped into the bread, and then it starts to crystallize, and that's my favorite part of a peanut butter and honey sandwich.

See, I don't eat peanut butter and honey.

I ate that every day in high school, pretty much.

Oh, funny.

No, I used to eat peanut butter and honey crackers.

I go put them on crackers.

That was good.

We're totally off-subject.

I know, off-subject.

Okay.

Anywho, are you ready for the last one?

I'm ready.

Let me help.

When your child is struggling to build a block tower or finish a puzzle, it's natural to want to give them a hand.

Don't.

If you jump in too soon, that can undermine your child's independence.

Instead, ask guiding questions to help them solve the problem.

Do you think the big piece or the little one should go at the bottom?

Why do you think that?

Let's give it a try.

This will not only help foster their independence, but also build confidence.

I just say this, Demley.

I'm like, hey, if you need help, let me know.

I'll be in the kitchen cleaning up.

But I never like sit next to her and be like, let me help you.

Right.

Or I'll say to her, hey, if you need help, just ask.

And sometimes she'll say, oh, I don't need help or whatever.

And then sometimes she does and she'll ask me.

But I don't be like, let me help move over and hit her with my elbow to scoot her over.

I don't think I could do that because I don't have the patience.

I can't watch somebody try to figure something out.

I'll be like, just let me know if you need help.

Try to figure it out first.

If not, let me know.

And I'll give you a clue or what not.

Yeah, I can't sit and watch.

If she's doing a puzzle, I want to do it with her, so I'll do it with her or that kind of thing.

But if she's doing something, let's say for school or she's cutting something out, I'll just be like, let me know if you need help.

So it sounds like we're both similar.

Yeah.

And I just walk away and let her do it.

Independence at its best.

Independence, right.

Because it also helps build their confidence.

And I'm not a helicopter parent to begin with, so I feel like that's a helicopter activity.

That's why I said I'm different.

Parenting types, I need to make my own parenting thing.

Because I don't like when people look over my shoulder and hover, I hate it.

So I would never do it to somebody else.

Yeah, I don't like that either.

Thank you for going through the list.

That was fun.

Wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.

It makes you think, you know?

It really does.

So we're not bad moms.

We're just different moms.

We're just...

Because the article says, these common phrases said to kids are actually problematic.

No, they're not.

Yeah, I could make some tweaks.

So I took notes.

I'll make some tweaks.

Well, and here's my thing, you know about me and mom shaming.

I hate that.

We're all just trying to do the best we know how to do, and what works for your family may not work for others.

That's right.

I don't believe that mom shaming should be a thing.

No.

I was going to say this has to do with kids, but I think I had said before that I read something that a child psychologist said about artwork, and we were talking about that they don't really bring artwork home anymore.

Yes.

But they do still have art class, you know, so they do bring some things.

Where's all that artwork?

We get it in Mother's Day, Mother's Day chapel.

Remember, we got it last year, so we get a Mother's Day chapel.

Okay.

But there is an article that this child psychologist wrote, and I don't know her name, but I remember reading it, and it said, if you hang your child's artwork in your house on the wall, like any other artwork or pictures of family, that type of thing, it boosts self-esteem and confidence.

When it's displayed, it shows that their efforts and creativity were valued.

Okay.

And it encourages creativity.

When you display their artwork, it can inspire a child to be more creative and become more with imagination.

Their imagination will go deeper and have more creativity, express more experimenting, that kind of thing encourages that.

Okay.

It promotes a sense of belonging.

So having their artwork on the wall makes the child feel like they're part of the environment, and their contributions are important.

And it gives them a sense of ownership and belonging within the family or even classroom.

They're saying that you can just camp.

It reinforces positive behavior.

So celebrating achievements like artwork helps reinforce positive behavior such as persistence, problem-solving, and focus.

It also creates a healthy cycle of recognition and encouragement.

The last one was fosters emotional expression.

Art is often a reflection of how a child feels.

By displaying their artwork, parents and teachers can create opportunities for conversations about emotions, helping kids process and express their feelings in healthy ways.

It says that displaying your child's artwork can leave a lasting impact on the child's development, encouraging creativity, confidence, and emotional growth.

So, I mean, you've been in our house.

We have a whole art gallery for Ms.

Harbour.

But I read that when she was real little, I read it from that child psychologist.

But ever since then, I've hung up artwork and I framed it.

I buy frames off of Amazon and I just frame them.

And most of the time, their art teacher uses the same size paper.

Yes.

So if you didn't want to have a ton of stuff like we do on our walls, you could just-

Swap it out?

Buy a few and swap them out every year.

Because we get stuff every year.

I think we got, what, seven paintings last year?

Yeah, we had a lot.

Yeah, and the time before that, we had a lot.

My problem is hanging things up in our house.

I don't know what it is about the drywall that we have in the house, but...

We have that too.

Sometimes if I put a hole in the wall, Tim will be like, what in the world?

Yeah.

Don't worry, just hang a picture.

Well, if it's not near a stud or it's not on the beam or whatever, and it's too heavy, I get frustrated.

So I know I've got so much of Matthew's artwork that needs to be either scanned or framed, or that's part of my decluttered journey.

So...

You need to do what I did.

Take pictures.

I've already started this year.

I know.

I have not had time.

I know.

Time just gets away.

So anyway...

It was a good discussion.

I liked it.

Yes.

It was very informative.

Thank you.

I appreciated all of your opinions.

And listeners, you know, we'd love to get your feedback too.

So let us know what you thought of the article or some of the things that we went over today.

Yep.

Because being a mom is the hardest job out there.

I'm going to say it again.

Yes.

And you can find us on Instagram at midlifemomspod.

That's all one word.

No spaces.

And at Facebook at the same, midlifemomspod.

And you can find us anywhere you listen to your podcasts.

You've got that iPad on your mind.

It's killing you.

I know.

It's just $50 on a cord.

$50 on an iPad that I don't even get to touch.

That's right.

No, but I do control it.

So trust me.

I've got that thing locked down.

So we'll see you next time on Midlife Moms Pod.

See ya.

Bye.